They have no past, no future, they just happen to exist coming straight out of a man’s guilty fantasy, just to serve the cis-het, patriarchal world. Maybe I know, maybe I have witnessed, what it is to be truly ‘badnaam’ and be called ‘chikni’.
Munni and Chikni only exist to tease, to arouse and then to leave. They have no past, no future, they just happen to exist coming straight out of a man’s guilty fantasy, just to serve the cis-het, patriarchal world. It was an erasure of much struggles, marginalisation and the very identity of these women. Little did I realise that what I saw a was terrible, appropriated, glorified and romanticised version of the realities of women in sex work in India. I wanted to be powerful like them, I wanted to have that amount of attention, I wanted to be celebrated like them. I loved how they were in control, so many men desiring them and yet not violating. I was in awe to see these women dance in front of so many men, unabashed and fiery. Beedi Jalaile, Munni Badnaam, Chikni Chameli…and a Sense of False Agency Choli mein dil hai mera.” They cannot be asking for it because then they are sluts, yet they have to be asking for it or they will be redundant. Their sexuality must be suggestive, not direct and above all they must serve the male fantasy. Women cannot flirt and express openly even if they are flirting and being expressive. I thought this is the only way to be a woman, I started believing in what I saw and heard. Yet, behind the closed doors I continued to dance in Madhuri’s steps. Soon I found myself in my teenage and by then being ‘cute’ was no more allowed. Everyone thought it was cute and I thought, that is what it is to be a woman. That is probably the first item song that I have heard, my nine-year-old self, draped in my mother’s clothes dancing all around our house. Choli ke Peeche Kya Hai and Apologetic Flirting They were reduced to mere desires and they could only desire what others desired from them. They could only become what they were demanded to become. Little did I realise that the women I saw dancing freely and bravely could do so until they served the desires of men. But in item numbers I saw women being free, expressive and desirable to all. They must reserve themselves for marriage or true love. They were not to desire, but only to be desired.
I was always taught to not love myself and I saw many women being taught to not express themselves. This was something pretty much uncommon for me back then. As a trans-queer child who was constantly struggling to accept their gender expression, I found solace in those lines, for I saw women loving their own bodies, embracing their sexualities and being openly sexual. I have always been a fan of ‘item songs’, singing and dancing to their lyrics for as long as I can remember.
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